[December 24th at 1:12am] lovelikeautumn no really, i want out of this life. and i'm sorry for that. leave a comment.

[December 23rd at 6:48pm] lovelikeautumn i am so depressed and i don't know what to do with myself i hate winter and snow and the familiarity of this feeling of disappointment, and the familiarity of being alone, everything looks better in retrospect and i wish this was over. i hate new jersey. i am so insecure but it's not without good reason. i can't stand when people talk about flaws that don't exist in them. i don't want to be in this house with nothing to do but i have no one. i am just too scared to have anyone, and to open up. but not without good reason. they say most stereotypes are based on reality, well so is most self hate. but everybody deep down just wants somebody to tell them they are wrong about themselves. guess what. chances are you are completely correct. i am so lonely. this is the part of me that not only wants to but needs to get out of here even if it means leaving you behind. you are jealous of my future and i am jealous of your right now. i would have no trouble at all changing my life if i could only wake up in the morning. if i only cared about myself enough to try. i am so stupid because i am so sad and i know there is absolutely no point in that. i don't know why i am wasting my time being inside of this hole. maybe i need coffee. maybe if i just starved myself again i would get that same endorphin rush. i don't care about being skinny, the thought of protruding bones makes me sick and scares me out of any attempts i make (or used to make), ever since i read that your brain can shrink if you don't eat, i just can't do it. and when my heart starts beating erratically from dry heaving because there is just nothing left, i know i just cannot do it. i don't hate myself that much. but i swear to god that whole winter i didn't even wear shoes outside and i wasn't even cold and nobody even loved me back then. the world was spinning so fast. and i was just happy and i always sat up straight and i woke up every morning with so much hope for the day. and i actually used to succeed at everything i tried. i used to accomplish so much because i was running on false energy. and i miss being that completely fucked up person. i miss coping mechanisms. but i still hate being able to relate to all the symptoms we talk about in psychology classes and not having anything to say about it. because everybody knows, everybody has a little piece of crazy inside of them. sometimes you fight it off and sometimes you let it get worse. i either care too much or too little about everything. i can't just do something normal. i either have to do it completely perfect or completely fail at it. but it only looks that way from my perspective. right now i am so cold. i used to love being cold because it meant i was hungry. i used to say this feeling would never leave me, but i was wrong. it does leave, but it comes back eventually. these thoughts are not even anywhere near based on reality. i have no idea what i am doing with my life. leave a comment.

Back Training [December 18th at 6:36pm] robot_broken   1 leave a comment.

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